


Mistaken

by ChartreuseMint



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:01:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11051856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChartreuseMint/pseuds/ChartreuseMint
Summary: But looking back at that first night, Mark always wondering if he had mistaken his lust for love.





	Mistaken

Mark always wondering if it was his reserved personality that lured Jaebum in the first night. If it was the illusion of purity Mark’s image seems exuding from what his friend always telling him. If the thought of corrupting a campus wallflower got Jaebum’s mind spinning to the point he boldly asked Mark to come over to his dorm room after a committee meeting for their college event that Jaebum was coordinating.

Or, if Jaebum saw him beyond his wallflower image. If Jaebum saw the sometimes hungry and faraway look Mark unconsciously giving him whenever the urge too overwhelming. That Jaebum too, without Mark knowing, had always observing him despites the fact that they were coming from different circle of friend. Where Jaebum is your typical college popular boy and Mark is, your typical college wallflower. Nerdy, self-conscious, and keep to himself. Mark wonders, if Jaebum realized that they were built from the same clothes before Jaebum decided to whisper his invitation with a non-mistaken glimmering eyes into Mark’s shivering ear in front of their friend.

Their friend that turned a blind eyes to the imminent betrayal waiting to combust.

Mark also always questioning, if he was doing a stupid move to nod at the obvious hook-up invitation. If deep in his heart, he actually always waiting for Jaebum to say this thing to him, to look at him curiously like this, to finally bask in Jaebum’s attention. Attention from the person that instantly catch his eyes during the dean welcoming speech in their college auditorium when they were still sophomore.

Much longer years after that first night, Mark is still wondering if the attraction Jaebum felt toward him back then was worth the knowing eyes their friend secretly throwing at the two of them, whenever Mark, Jaebum, and Jinyoung hanging out together. Like there is nothing wrong with their combination. Like Jaebum was not fucking Mark on the side whenever his boyfriend was too busy to notice that Jaebum is much softer and sensitive than he always appears as. Hard-edged, carefree rebel, cold-hearted Jaebum.

Much longer years after that first night, Mark is still questioning if the jealousy he feels whenever seeing Jaebum and Jinyoung together was a product of the love suffocating his heavy heart or a much simpler thing other than that sacred feeling. If it was the word love he was feeling for Jaebum, not a possessiveness driven by some great lay being the source of it. The feeling. When you possess a libido as raging as a teenager boy, never quite satisfied despite meeting a lot of people along the way. And then, he met Jaebum. A person with sexual prowess and appetite as raging as his own, if not even bigger. Would not be an exaggeration if Mark confessed than he found a new world after the first night. A new world which Jaebum guided him into the very door, knocked it, and opened it for him. And it has been blinding him since then.

Jaebum unleashed the side of him that he always knows he has but never brave enough to embrace it or even acknowledge the existence. The sweaty nights, the sore body, the love bites. Mark craved it. Mark addicted to it. The late night pillow talk, the thrill of sneaking a kiss or two in their department building elevator, or a hurried blowjob in college bathroom. All of it brought out the wild side Mark never knows he could brave enough to challenge it. The accelerate beating of his heart which always Mark feels whenever he saw the naughty gleam inside Jaebum eyes. The hard-on he always had whenever he so much as looking at Jaebum, mind already going thousands-mile a second thinking how hard they were going to fuck that night. The proud smile in his eyes, whenever he saw Jaebum dominating a group meeting or excelling a class presentation. _Mine,_ he would secretly whisper inside his head. All the adrenaline rush, all the heady feeling, all the fullness inside his heart. Sue him for not mistaking it for love. For the feeling of fallen in love.

It was easy to forget that Jaebum wasn’t his to begin with. To pretend that Jaebum was belong to him. When they were already in the same Art Department, on the same year, having taken a similar class in purpose, also living in close quarter to each other. It was flower and unicorn, until Jinyoung came back into the picture.

The virtual punch into his stomach never felt so much real. Seeing Jaebum courted Jinyoung in their college cafeteria, smiling and holding each other hand. Secret smile and blushing cheeks. There was a gleam inside Jaebum’s eyes too. But a different one. If a love could translate into something physical, it was on the adoration reflecting in Jaebum’s moist eyes whenever he saw Jinyoung laughing, complete with the crinkle of his eyes and a polite hand covering his mouth. And if jealousy could translate into something physical, it was on the bitterness and nausea feeling Mark repressed whenever he forced to see the sight.

How could be it was not a jealousy? Sure it was. Probably it was. The hurt that stabbing repeatedly onto his chest. The heaviness of his breathing. The red hot rage he was struggling with. The feeling of wanting to just curl up in bed and not waking up to all that mess in the next day. Mark was having a hard time. The friend that warning him before, turning their ‘I-told-you-so-stare’ blatantly at him despite of still trying to make his day by day bearable.

Much longer years after that first heartbreak, he is still wondering. Was it the deprivation of a daily orgasm that drove him into a mad man? That going from a full-filed man into a depraved man overnight was too much for him to handle? Was the lust he felt, clouding his mind and crooking his conscience? That he made a big wrong conclusion with his bias judgment. That the jealousy he felt was not towards Jinyoung having a right to claim Jaebum as his own, but rather towards Jinyoung having a right to be serviced by a man with sexual prowess as Jaebum. Was it true?  Was all the ugly feeling not a product of jealousy, but possessiveness and egotism of his own?

For years and years, he always believes strongly that Jaebum was hurting him. By continue seeking Mark out. By whispering sweet nothing into Mark’s ear in wee hour of the night. By caressing Mark’s hair to sleep after rigorous hours of sex. By always making sure to send Mark a wink or two from the opposite of classroom when they were stop to sit next to each other as per Jinyoung’s request. By being so patient to listen to Mark’s opinion and treating it like a big consideration on every of Jaebum’s decision. By making Mark as the constant of his life, even when his relationship with Jinyoung has fallen apart from time to time. By keeping Mark close, but never actually having a real intention of claiming Mark as his.

It was foolish of him to wait along the side, witnessing and hearing as first class audience whenever Jaebum and Jinyoung having a fall down. To be the ears that Jaebum complaining to whenever he couldn’t understand what Jinyoung actually wants, to be the mouth that giving Jaebum a suggestion or second opinion in order to make him understand what is the thing Jinyoung truly means, to be the entities that making Jaebum reconciles with his long time boyfriend again and again – unbeknownst to Jinyoung.

To be the body that Jaebum lets out his frustration for Jinyoung into.

Somewhere along the years, all the resentment, all the jealousy, all the bitterness ceased into almost none. Mark likes to think that he already embraced his position in Jaebum’s life. _That they will never belong to each other in literal sense._ Mark wants to just enjoy each moment he gets to spend with Jaebum. Each moment he gets to learn more and deeper about the only person other than himself that truly sees Mark as all of him. No pretends, no shady mask, to be himself. Mark also likes to think that with all those pillow talk, late night chat, early morning confession, he gets to know the side of Jaebum that no one ever exposed to. His penchant for cats, his ambition in life, his genuine thought that sometimes against what his group of friend belief but he agreed otherwise, and the insecurities. Jaebum’s deep and dark insecurities. The very insecurities that triggered by none other than Park Jinyoung, with his scalding perfect attitude and pretentious aura as a righteous person. Or probably, it was how Mark sees Jinyoung. Or how Mark imagines Jinyoung as from Jaebum’s tales. Mark knows he doesn’t have a right to judge Jinyoung because Mark and Jinyoung relationship as cordial as it can be. Probably, Jinyoung thinks Mark as a non-threat with how quiet Mark always seems to be. _Just how wrong could you be, Park Jinyoung._

For years, he always knows in his heart, that he loves Jaebum to the moon and back. It is the only explanation to why he would be still here beside the said man, ten years after the first night. That he wants to always be there for him, that Mark always wants Jaebum to be happy, that everything Mark does always taken Jaebum’s interest close to his heart.

But looking back at that first night, Mark always wondering if he had mistaken his lust for love and decided to cling and fight for it because he thought it was involving his heart. His heart that he protects and rarely opened for anyone. If all of this fiasco was starting as a lust, possessiveness, and unfulfilled desires to begin with, but unknowingly evolving into something deeper as they are getting to know each other. That sure, although they’re only be able to open their heart after both of them content and sated, probably and might be, as time goes by they’re more looking forward to their pillow talk instead of the sex itself.

Mark is still wondering as he watches Jaebum telling him with another glimmer inside his eyes that he would marrying Jinyoung next year. Mark is still wondering if it is a normal thing to do for a groom to be announcing his upcoming marriage to the person he was betraying his fiancé with, on the bed after the groom fucked the guy to oblivion and come hard inside him while embracing him tightly like Jaebum would never let Mark goes. Mark is wondering if it is a normal thing for a man who claimed in love since forever with the said future groom, to feel absolutely nothing about the not so shocking news. And Mark is wondering if it is a love that Jaebum feels towards him when he whispering that he wishes for Mark to keep seeing him like this even after the matrimony. Mark probably will forever questioning if it is possible for a person to professing love to other person in the name of God while still treating another person like he is cherishing him and wanting him to be forever by his side. Mark for sure will always wondering if it is the love that Jaebum feels for him, why is it not enough still?

_If it is love, why don’t you claim me instead, Jaebum?_

 

 


End file.
